Currently Crushing On

14.9.17

10 signs that you've fallen into his Dicksand



Recently I tripped and fell into the dicksand. Hard. If you've been living under a rock since the film "How to be single" came out or since Olivia Jade Attwood opened her mouth then "Dicksand" is when you really really REALLY like someone. When you like someone too much you can kiss goodbye to common sense, your brain and body go into overdrive as chemicals flood your system and cool, calm and rational you turns into an anxious, paranoid mess. Much like quicksand, by the time you've realised that you've fallen into a guys dicksand it's too late. The more you struggle the faster you're going down, sometimes literally



Here are the 10 signs that it's already happening 


1. You have certain songs that remind you of him and you either listen to them on repeat whilst imagining your future wedding or angrily skip them altogether depending on how he's behaving this week

2. Every quote or meme you see reminds you of him, you simply MUST screenshot them and send them to him or you just raise your middle finger at them and mutter "fuck you" under your breath,  depending on how he's behaving this week

3. All compliments are meaningless unless they're from him and then they're a solid gold gift because miraculously he's behaving this week

4. You see a pretty girl on the street and you imagine him talking to her and her touching his hair and you want to get out a kill this evil boyfriend stealing slut and then you start crying because you haven't personally touched his hair for a hellish 16 hours

5. You haven't seen any of your friends in weeks because you're spending all you time with him. You can't eat because you're too worried about when you're next going to see him. You can't sleep because you're thinking about him and when you do you dream about him. He's being an asshole in your dream so now you're inexplicably angry at him 

6. His name is in your Facebook Search History, his Instagram handle is in your search history. You know the name of his cousins best friends dog due to the extreme levels your snooping has driven you to

7. You FREAK OUT when he takes more than 3 minutes to respond to your texts, "What have I done? Oh my god, why did I make that joke?" "Bet he's shagging someone else and that's why he can't reply" - cue sobbing

8. You see things in the supermarket that remind you of him, like his favourite crisps or that beer he likes or pork PIES from all the times he's PIED you off to watch the football with his mates instead 

9. You have regular chats with yourself about how you don't really need him and how you'd be absolutely fine without him and then you hurl yourself across the room when your phone goes off and do a little dance around the room when it's him 

10. You find yourself diligently making notes from the webpage "30 Oral Sex Tips" when your usual sexual repertoire consists of 6 minutes of missionary and a pat on the back


Recognising any of this girls? It's too late for you. don't struggle. You'll only make it worse if you try to fight your inner psychopath 


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