Currently Crushing On

7.2.16

Reflections on Love



As Valentines day approaches I wanted to reflect over the times in my life when I have been in Love, Love in its many forms. In a world of sexting and tinder and internet dating woes it's easy to forget that real Love even exists at all. But it does, in a way which often transcends traditional stereotypes and forms us as individuals



First Love

The first time I was in Love was when I was fourteen. I was dating a much a older guy, eight years older which sounds bad right? And I guess to the outside world it was bad and I know he took a lot of abuse for it but on the inside it was just like any relationship with ups and downs, loyalty and respect. Being in such a stable and constructive relationship during my formative years steadied me where others went astray. Whilst my peers were getting mixed up in drugs, booze and underage sex we'd take road trips, spend our evenings walking on the beach or just sitting and talking about what we wanted our lives to be like, big dreams and small dreams. Few of us are lucky enough to say that we lost our virginity to someone we truly loved and who respected us, in anything resembling a romantic setting, but that was the gift he gave to me. That's right, for almost two years he respected my wishes to wait for sex and I'll always be grateful for that and the legacy of sexual assertiveness it gave me. We traveled the world together, we had pets together, we even made plans for an engagement but in the end the same safe cocoon of his love that I had cherished in the beginning became a tight stranglehold and after four and half years together we grew apart. Not many people are lucky enough to remember their first time as a positive experience, even fewer are lucky enough to still greet that person with a smile and joke when they infrequently encounter one another



Uncomfortable Love

When I was Eighteen, a few months after my split with my first boyfriend I met another guy. Having been in my first relationship for so long I had convinced myself that I needed the freedom of single life in which to grow as a person. However, the length and depth of that relationship had changed me, I felt profoundly institutionalised by it and soon fell back into a similar arrangement with my second partner. I guess we were in Love, a Love of sorts. He too had recently ended a serious relationship and I think we used each other as a crutch for our battered and broken hearts. Again we played at grown-up life, we lived together, we traveled, we had pets, we laughed a lot. But it was always a little like having my shoes on the wrong feet. Our ideals were different, our dreams and ambitions misaligned. In the end I fell for someone else which muddied the waters of our split. We still speak now but it's stilted and our eyes tend to slide past one another rather than meet. The uncomfortable feeling lingers  



Defining Love  

The third time I fell in Love I was a little mistrustful of the whole endeavor and I certainly wasn't looking to embark upon it. I was making plans to move to Australia, I had been successfully and happily single for over a year. And then he stumbled into my life bringing a kind of spontaneous, chaotic genuine energy that I was powerless to resist. Although I put up a good fight. I refused his offers of dates. I shunned affection, dodged exclusivity, making it almost impossible for Love to grow and flourish. But it happened anyway, fate? After just 2 months we found ourselves expecting a baby and a few months later that baby was a diagnosed as a very sick baby. We stood together in the storm of her deterioration as my pregnancy progressed. It is a very strange thing to watch your love for someone grow in a time of such despair when your whole word is crumbling around you. From the day I gave birth to our daughter, to the day we were finally able to take her home from hospital four and half months later and to this very second our Love has grown beyond any limitations I had ever conceived. It has challenged me as a person, comforted me in times of despair and molded me into a much more openly happy and compassionate woman. I learn from it every single day and it has placed everything I have ever considered to be Love into sharp perspective, it is my greatest ongoing adventure 




4 comments:

  1. I think this is one of the most amazing blog posts I've ever read, I can imagine it wasn't an easy one for you to write and I admire your honesty and the way you've told these stories from your past and present. I love the fact that you've categorised the different kinds of love you've experienced rather than disregarding the ones from your last as so many people do (it wasn't real, I was young etc). Great post :) xx

    Www.just-Charlotte.com

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    1. Thank you so much, that means a lot. I'm so overwhelmed by the response to this post, I'll definitely be posting more honest and frank accounts in future xx

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  2. This was such a wonderful post and such a good idea! I might do a post with this idea if its ok with you! Thinking about Love is actually such a good think to do.. to go back to your first love and understand that maybe it was not has bad as we have though. x And your writing is beautiful, and so is your blog. It was great coming across your page xx

    Lisa, www.thelisasworld.com

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    1. So happy to hear that you like the post and my blog. It's good to be reflective and time and appreciative of the blessings in disguise xx

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