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How to survive a wedding

Wedding Season is upon us! The chance to splurge on fancy dresses and make eyes at the hunky wedding breakfast waiters. It's not all fun and frolics though, weddings are potential social mind-field. A few of us will be sickeningly in love, caught up in the romantic utopia of the occasion. The rest will be drunk, horny, spoiling for a fight or all of the above. Emotions aside, there's the risk that a potential fashion faux-pas could be captured forever in someone satin en-robed diamante encrusted wedding album. "Remember when Aunt Claire tripped over the bottom of her dress and landed upside with no pants on? Oh yes here it is on page six next to the photos of them signing the register"... 

What follows are my tips for outfit selection, footwear selection and why you shouldn't invite potential fuck-buddies to enjoy the nuptial of your nearest and dearest

Plus 1

Do not invite anyone from Tinder/Plenty of Fish, you don't want to make small talk with someone who uses the internet to find victims for their twisted psycho-sexual escapades. You probably don't want to introduce them your nan either. Don't take your recent ex thinking the romance will sweep you into a reconciliation, it won't. You'll probably just end up having a blazing row during the cake cutting and antagonise each other by flirting with anyone and everyone else including the fat drunk usher who got his willy out at an earlier point in the evening and put a bow tie on it. 

Look if you're unattached and don't want to go alone just take someone non-offensive who isn't adverse to sneaking off with you to drink gin in a hedge rather than risk bankruptcy at the extortionate bar. £8.50 for a double vodka? Fuck off 


This leads me quite nicely into the need for one of these life saving devices, the hip-flask. Being slightly tipsy by 11am is the most fun you can have at a wedding, buffet aside. If you don't drink then god help you. I've done a wedding sober, whilst pregnant and it wasn't fun

Hip flasks aren't just for tramps and hooray Henrys on horseback about to bludgeon some wildlife to death, they are the life raft you need to get you from church pew to dancefloor because that bottle of house red between 12 people just isn't going to cut it. Trust me

Clutch Bag

You therefore will need a suitable hiding place for said Hip-flask. Obviously you are going to want your clutch bag to match you outfit but its no good taking along a sequined encrusted, glorified pencil case if you need to fit your make-up, perfume, eyelash glue, plasters, safety pins, tissues, money, ID, credit card, second credit card and emergency third credit cared in the very likely event that first two are declined

The roomier the better. Bonus points if you can get a pair of flats in there too, which brings me nicely on to footwear...


If you don't normally wear heels, a day where you spend 8 hours + on your feet is probably not the best place to debut your Carrie Bradshaw 6 inchers. I live in high heels yet still find myself surreptitiously sliding them off under the table by the time the entrees materialise. If you do opt for heels then I would definitely recommend taking a pair of flats to wear outside of photo opportunities. Also don't wear a pair of £300 shoes if the wedding is within sniffing distance of a grass lawn, there is nothing more heartbreaking than a muddy brown tide mark up 3 inches of designer satin (weeps due to flashback)

Head Wear

I cannot stress enough the need to invest in a fascinator/fancy hat, where else in life are you allowed to wear one?  To do the food shop? No. To mow the lawn?  No. You might perhaps get away with one to a funeral if the deceased was particularly eccentric but its still a tad risky.Therefore take full advantage of the occasion and treat yourself to some head gear

Similarly, I believe that the size of your chosen fascinator/hat correlates directly to your level of contempt for the bride. If you're loyalties lie entirely with the groom then feel free to wear the biggest, fanciest fascinator you can find, thus obscuring her, her guests and probably the sun from all photographs. Check Mate

Nice try. Bitch.


It used to be the golden rule of weddings "DO NOT WEAR WHITE" however these days people seem to have relaxed slightly. I'm going to go ahead and out-date that rule to a time where women weren't even allowed to wear trousers/vote/leave the cooker. Even the Mothers of the bride now usually sport a white element in their attire in a nod to thier daughters ensemble. I think these days as long as you aren't wearing a full length white lace garment with a train a la Miss Haversham then you're probably safe. Subtle patterns and splashes of colour are also nice but again don't go over the top unless again you hate the bride in which case knock yourself out. Fluorescent colours are not acceptable at a wedding or in fact for life in general so go ahead and bin those and have a word with yourself

Just waiting for @W3llEndowed77 to pick me up for the wedding

What advice would you give to wedding attendees? Have you ever had an embarrassing wedding related incident? Do you own any fluorescent clothes and are now hanging your head in shame?

Let me know?

1 comment:

  1. Love this! Plus one is most definitely needed! X

    First of the holiday series over at-


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