Currently Crushing On

1.4.15

The Big Teatox Myth


So I recently tried a Teatox. What is a Teatox I hear you cry? It's where you drink a special "magical" tea for 14 days and the miraculous herbs and berries in this little net bag instantly make you skinny, or at the very least popular on social media. I'm following a trend! Go me.

Anyway here I am doing the obligitory "About to start my transformation into Michelle Keegan" photo clutching my bag of tea and pouting like it's an Olympic sport. Little did I know of the rollercoaster ride I was yet to embark upon with my overprived foil bag of female body neurosis


Right so you just chuck the bag in some water and drink down the muck like every thing else you've reluctantly had to swallow in your life right? ...Wrong! After I've selected which of my pretentious mugs it will look best in on instagram there are all kinds of complicated brewing options, how long should I "steep" it for if I want Ratajkowski abs? For a longer or shorter time than if I want buns like Jen Selter? And more importantly can I put Ribena in it? 


Second to that are the instructions that you should only detox on your day off which is a contradiction in terms given that its a 14 day programme. This puzzled me until I actually started drinking the stuff, at which point  it quickly became apparent how the Teatox might disrupt your working day. That's right, it a bloody laxative and unless you work as some sort of bathroom attendant or intend to spend all of your annual leave lying in the foetal position on the bathroom floor I'd give it a miss because you will quite literally be sh*t out of luck in attempting to continue normal life. 

From what I can gather the basic idea of this tea is to bestow upon it's purchaser those specific, ominous stomach cramps which render you far too scared to eat anything at all for the remainder of the day for fear of the results. As a dieting strategy "not eating anything at all" isn't exactly revolutionary, neither is it sustainable. Laxatives have been around for yonks but now some genius has trussed them up in a fancy tea bag and got a Kardashian to drink it you've got yourself a full blown fad




In Conclusion

What we have here is another 21st century case of "The Emporers New Clothes," everyone is doing it and no one wants to break rank and say "Actually this is a terrible idea and I've spent all day crying on the loo." If you want to temporarily lose a smidge of weight in a manner which can in no way be maintained, disrupts all aspects of your work social and love life and which will probably end up giving you some sort of stomach ulcer then by all means invest in these little sacks of terror. But I for one will be chucking mine in the bin and getting back to traditional weight loss. Pass the Salad.


4 comments:

  1. Thank you for this honest review! I've seen so many people say how great these teas are, but I've always been a bit dubious of them. I've never known how a tea could make you lose weight, even with all the claims of magical enzymes. They sound like they'd be dreadful to drink in work too! I think I'll be giving these a miss!

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  2. I haven't bought into this fad in fear that it's just gonna make me shit, thank you for reassuring this and now i certainly wont be buying any x

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  3. I adore your tongue-in-cheek writing style! Such a brilliant review, its so sad that celebs have the influence to make these fads so popular, especially when they probably work with a personal trainer 6 days a week to get their figures and then get paid a pretty penny to promote these ridiculous drinks promising a bikini body ._. Thank goodness for honest bloggers!!
    Iqra |The Blushing Giraffe x

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  4. Great article, finally someone giving an honest review. BTW if you get the chance please checkout my blog - https://alexie.co/

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