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"Money did buy these" The Boob Job Diaries - Part 1

Good Morning

I am currently on bed rest following my recent operation and I really wanted to share my experience. Here is my disclaimer: I'm not sharing this because I wish to promote cosmetic procedures and I am not being paid by the clinic who performed the procedure. I simply wish to give my honest account of my experience for anyone considering their options and I'm not overly interested in anti-surgical views or general woman-bashing. If you don't like the title of this post then I highly doubt you'll like the content so feel free to skip this one and check back in at another day

This is a screenshot of the Countdown/Inspiration App I used.
I'm pretty sure they belong to Emily Ratajkowski and are
apparently REAL - You go girl

So why did I want to get a boob job?

I've never been particularly blessed in the chest department. I got the long legs and my sister got the glorious breasts. Fairs fair. Having smaller breasts never really bothered me until I became pregnant and had my daughter. During my pregnancy and the 4 months I spent expressing milk my breasts went from a teensy C cup to a gigantic EE cup, looking back I'm surprised I could even fit through doorways. They were COLOSSAL. However once I had finished expressing and began to lose my pregnancy weight and get fit again I quickly realised that my poor chest had seen better days and would therefore require a literal helping hand if I was ever to sport a bikini again. After months of careful consideration I decided to book a consultation to see what could be done about my deflated lady lumps

I was super nervous about my consultation. Get my car-crash tattas out in front of a posh middle aged man that I'd never met? Oh yer sure. No problem... I needn't have worried though as my lovely surgeon very quickly put me at ease, making careful note of my fear of gigantic plastic football boobs. He understood my desire for a natural appearance in fitting with my small frame. Of course there was that nerve racking moment where I had to get myself undressed for the examination but my nerves disappeared as we started to run through implant sizes and positioning. I was deemed to have the perfect "blueprint" for implants because my skin and nerves had already stretched during pregnancy. My surgeon simply needed to fill out the excess skin using a round implant inserted over the muscle - easy peasy

I left my consultation full of excitement and hope that I would soon have a normal chest like any other 23 year old who hadn't had to feed a greedy child. My fiance and I were busily planning our beach wedding and I was rather against having my breasts dragging about in the sand on my big day. Not being one to hang around I booked my operation date for the next available slot, just 6 weeks later and started hoarding posh lingerie

The Procedure

The 6 weeks flew by and before I knew it it was surgery day. My mum accompanied me to my appointment whilst my fiance Dan looked after our daughter. I'd also asked my mum to also stay with us that night and the following day whilst Dan was at work to bring me snacks and generally run around after me - what are mums for? I had been sent a letter detailing my admission time of 11am alongside instructions not to have eaten for 6 hours previous to this or to have had a drink for 3 hours. Yes. I was starving and mum didn't help, happily munching away on all my favourite cheesy snacks in a wholly unsupportive manner

Once I had been signed in to the hospital I was shown to my own private room complete with en suite and asked to shower using a special antibacterial sponge before changing into my gown and putting on my very sexy surgical stockings - all very gamourous. I was asked to remove all my make up and jewellery before I was hooked up to have my blood pressures and temperature taken. Endless checklists were taken regarding my allergies and medical history before my anaesthetist arrived to go through my plan. My surgeon then appeared for a final examination during which he drew a series of lines and markings on my chest before taking the before set of my "before and after photographs"

I was then asked to get into bed where I removed my contact lenses and waved goodbye to my mum who was still elbow deep in bag of mini-cheddars, the traitor. As I was wheeled down to the anaesthetic room, a rather blurry journey given the removal of my lenses, I started to worry about the cannula they would insert - my worst fear. During labour I had had a poorly inserted cannula which had proved more painful than the actual labour itself and therefore it had been a source of general whinging on my part in the run up to the big day. Luckily this time round it went in no problem, with just the tiniest scratch. At 2.30pm I was given oxygen through a mask as the anaesthetic started to tingle up my arm. It sounds morbid but when you have a child you do start to worry more about dying and leaving them alone in the world or more to the point alone with her dads cooking. So I thought hard about my daughters smiles and kisses that morning as I drifted off, rather than all the times I'd watched the bloody human centipede. We all know how that turned out when they came round...

The first thing I was aware of when I came round was a pain in my tongue, I'd obviously bitten it at some point whilst in cloud cuckoo land. I looked at the clock, slightly blurry again due to the lack of contacts, it was 4pm. My op had taken just an hour and half. I was surprised at how well I was feeling but remained dubious as I'm usually very nauseous following anaesthetic. It took me a little while to recall why I was there before moving my hands up to my chest to find two massive balloons there! I'd been prepared for the exaggerated size due to swelling but it still felt surreal. I had two strips of sticky bandages under each breast but other than that and the throbbing tongue I was relatively unscathed

After about half an hour my nurse came to wheel me back to my room where my mum was anxiously waiting. I even manged to crack some jokes as I wheeled through the corridoors. I assume they were jokes, they could have been jibberish - Morphine is a helluva drug. Once safely returned to the care of my mother I was anxious to be out of my bed and into the large plate of sandwiches, I'd not eaten for 24 hours remember? Repeated requests to go home were ignored by my nurses, until I started removing my own hospital bands and carrying my drip around while I topped up my eyeliner. Finally, three hours after I came round I was wrestled into my sports bra and allowed to leave. I was relieved to be walking about and talking like a functioning member of society, I'd worried that I would be wheeled out in my PJs, drugged up to the eyeballs, muttering profanities

So what would I have liked to have known BEFORE my procedure?

Don't expect to be bikini ready any time soon. Swelling is a rather dramatic thing and you can expect your new breasts to be merrily pointing away in opposite directions for some time to come. 6 weeks+ in fact! I feel like I could have had a third boob added into the sizable void between them. Sure you can rest your chin on them but you'll have to decide your preference for left or right as they're barely in the same time zone
Your painkillers will be vastly inefficient. I'm allergic to most painkillers. Codeine renders me unconscious, which is inconvenient. Therefore I was packed off home with a measly paracetamol prrescription. The same 500 milligrams I usually self-administer when I stub my toe or have a negligible Chablis headache is all I have to cover being cut open, cauterized and stuffed full of plastic. Ideal

The sexdoll effect. Due to all the faffing about with your nerves you'll experience sensation loss. Or in my case you'll have one randomly numb boob. This can apparently last days, weeks or years. Obviously I'm absolutely ecstatic about this and can't wait to find out which timeframe my leftie has been sentenced to

You won't be able to move your arms. I'm currently on day 3 post op and although I'm "up and about" (admittedly in a rather limited capacity) stretching my arms is near enough impossible. I was even forced to surrender the last Malteser to my dog in flagrant disregard of the 3 second rule for fear of tearing my nipple clean off

You will have to sleep sitting up. Sleeping upright is a must for reducing swelling and combatting the feeling that your implants are going to literally fall out of the bottom of your nightie and roll down the stairs. I've devised a sort of cushion "fortress" which protects me from both gravity and the curious hands of an impatient fiancé. Touch them and die

You will learn to love your Sports Bra. I'm also wearing a sports bra 24/7 which I thought would be irritating in the extreme but its is actually keeping me rather sane. They can't drop off/fall out/get caught on door handles when they're safely nestled in their hot-pink Lycra prison. I feel like this is the start of a beautiful friendship for me and my sports bra 

Stay tuned for further breast related updates, my bandages will be coming off this week which is a rather exciting development but it'll be a lonnnnnnnnng time yet before my new toys are fully operational. Boob jobs really do require a tedious level of patience.

And no, I won't be posting photographs of them on my blog so you nosey perverts can f**k off for starters

You can read Part Two of this article: Here


  1. This is such a honest account of what to expect, really enjoyed reading it :) i myself have been back and fourth with the idea of breast augmentation It is something I'm seriously considering now, great read!

    1. Hi Kate,

      Really glad you enjoyed the post, I wanted to give an HONEST opinion on what it's like as people don't seem to talk about it much and women need to know what they're in for. If you have any other questions about it please feel free to email me and I'll try and help



  2. Really interesting post. I am definitely not opposed to these type of procedures. I liked hearing your reasoning behind it :). I would never get one, maybe the other way around. A bit smaller would be great for me!


  3. Good post. Makes me a little less nervous.
    I go in for my procedure in 5 days!
    However my operation is below the muscle.

    I found this post from google, and went on and read a few more posts!
    I will surely be keeping track of your blog!

    Also, what countdown app do you use? (:


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