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Advice to my teenage self

When I was at school I stupidly spent the entire time concentrating on my grades and trying to get into University instead of my looks and how popular I was - what a stupid dick.
Anyway, now I have my degree and career I thought I would write this post to my to 18 year old self about how I should have prioritised make up over coursework.
In case you hadn't noticed I am being exceedingly sarcastic, even by my standards
The truth is I didn't have the first clue about making best of myself back then: I hadn't realised that actually you CAN sprinkle glitter on a dog shit. I was far too busy reading books, writing terrible "emo" poetry and trying to feign interest in a flagging relationship which had limped into its fourth year.
This isn't one of those stories about how I got bullied by the popular girls and then turned up at prom after a makeover looking like a 10. The truth is I always got along with most people in school because, unlike these days; back then I tended to keep my mouth shut and my controversial opinions to myself. Plus I was still a munter at Prom - I wore kitten heels for f**ksake. I didn't deserve friends
1 Please do something about your eyebrows. Ok so eyebrows didn't really become "a thing" until recently but you need to seriously pluck those things because they look like those hairy caterpillars struck down with early stage alopecia
2 Please stop listening to your mothers make up tips from the 80's. Mum was a damn fiiiiiiine model in the 1980s - a serious babe. But it's 2009 now and "obvious lip liner" is not a good look. Rocking up to a house party in 80s glamour make up will only get you laughed at and possibly punched
3 Please never ever touch a pot of Barry M glitter eyeshadow again. If I see one more old photo of my dazzling green eyelids glinting up at me I am going to scream. I literally want to go back in time and punch myself in the face for this one because I looked like Kermit the frog on Methamphetamine 
4. Please stop box dying you hair. Red? Really? You box dyed your hair red? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get red tones out of hair? Do you realise how much money I have had to spend rectifying this? It's a good job you got that degree because half your adult earnings have been spent on sorting your daft wig out 
5 Please get contact lenses. You really aren't doing yourself any favours by being spotty AND speccy. Just go and get the bloody lenses, they are the epitome of "no pain no gain" but you need all the help you can get
6 Please stop wasting money on eyelash curlers. There is no over priced metal implement on earth that can help your stubby little lashes. Quit while your ahead and spend that money on strip lashes and extensions. If you start practicing now you'll be a master by the age of say... 23... 
7 Please stop wearing bootleg jeans all the time. I know you were born in the 1990's but that's no excuse for dressing like a twat
8 Please stop using make up wipes as your skin care routine. Oh you have acne? Going to blame that on "hormones" are we? Not the 7 bars of chocolate you eat each day? (Probably alone, probably in the toilet, probably whilst crying) Not the fact that you lethargically wipe you face with a little cloth full of chemicals each night before letting your skin marinate nicely in grease? 3 words for you: Cleanse, Tone, Moisturise 
9 Please stop biting your nails. Do you have any idea how much money you will have to spend on acrylic nails when you are older because you ruined your own nails? I know it's stressful being a teenager but don't take it out on your nails 
10 Please stop eating two lunches - you will be skinny one day. That day is not today so put that second lunch back before your vile bootleg jeans get too tight
So there's my list of things I would tell me teenage self to generally improve the life of someone who is fat, has zits, probably BO and whose eyelids can be seen from outer space. I don't know where I would have fitted in studying around all this stuff but I'm sure I would have turned just as successful as the "popular" girls did because after all they're all top international models now... (again sarcasm)
I hope you enjoyed this post and if you don't believe me about being an ugly teenager then ask to see my drivers licence because it is pure jokes

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