How to be a girl on a night out (Part One)

Apologies for the lack of posts this week, I've been suffering with some sort of Cold/Flu/Ebola. Therefore I used my time wisely to write a few more lifestyle articles since my "Why we should Thank our Exes" article proved to be so popular. It was either another lifestyle post or some mildly hysterical ramblings regarding the merits of various cold and flu remedies (FYI Mulled wine is now a legitimate Cold Remedy in my book)

Therefore, here is a little insight into how to be a girl on a night out for all you movers and shakers hitting the clubs tonight. I've comprised this list as a result of first-hand experiences, observations and just generally being a girl. I also feel like I have more scope to add to this list so I'm just going to go ahead and label it "Part One"

Here is my guide to being a girl on a night out (Part One)

Step 1.
Plan on getting ready for your night out at least 4 hours before you want to leave the house. Then get distracted by something (TV/A Nap/Gossiping) so you actually only leave yourself 25 minutes to make yourself an 8 out of 10, rather than your usual 4 out of 10

Step 2.
Buy lots of expensive facemasks and bodyscrubs and leave-in conditioning treatments to not use because you ran out of time (see Step 1) Great. You still look like a foot and now you also can't afford lunch this week

Step 3. 

Pour yourself lots of drinks and forget to drink them while you get ready. You’ll have extra fun the next day traipsing round finding them, emptying them and cleaning them. Like a sticky, inconvenient treasure hunt

Step 4. 

Invite your friends over pre-drinks and then ignore them entirely and invest your time more wisely in taking several hundred selfies, don’t worry they’ll all be doing the same. Conversation is overrated. Make sure you get a group shot, make sure you are centre-stage and make sure you take it when your hottest friend is looking the other way/making a horrible face. Plaster that particular shot all over social media

Step 5.
Have an argument with your poorer friends about whether you should take a Taxi or walk to the club. Agree to pay their share of the fare because your heels are already starting to cut off the circulation to your feet

Step 6.
When you get to the club immediately pick another girl in the queue to be your enemy for the night, it will spice things up if you bump into her in the loos and you’ll know who to challenge if a dance off situation arises

Step 7.
When you get into the club head ignore the bar/dancefloor/friends who have come out especially to see you and instead head straight for the loos. You need to make sure that your face hasn't slid off and that your boobs are still balanced precariously on their cocoons of padding

Step 8.

When you get to the dancefloor make sure you move around as little as possible, try to avoid looking like you’re having “a fun time” because this may come across as "lame." Be sure to look at everyone else on the dancefloor like they are a piece of shit thus preventing any personal space invasions

Step 9. 

If you see your Ex make sure you stand extra close to him and talk extra loudly about your new and entirely fictional boyfriend who is a total millionaire stud and overall king of the crotches

Step 10.
Give lots of boys “the flirt eye” across the dancefloor and then once they've made the long and treacherous journey through the sea of people, probably spilling their overpriced drinks en route, be sure to ignore them entirely and feign indifference when they try to dance with you until they scurry off back to their little gang to be ridiculed

To be continued...

I hope everyone has a fantastic Saturday night out. I hope no ones face slides off. I hope you win all your dance offs. I hope all your ex-boyfriends get jealous that your dating someone who sounds suspiciously like David Gandy. 

Me? I'll be in bed with my good friend mulled wine