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14.9.17

10 signs that you've fallen into his Dicksand



Recently I tripped and fell into the dicksand. Hard. If you've been living under a rock since the film "How to be single" came out or since Olivia Jade Attwood opened her mouth then "Dicksand" is when you really really REALLY like someone. When you like someone too much you can kiss goodbye to common sense, your brain and body go into overdrive as chemicals flood your system and cool, calm and rational you turns into an anxious, paranoid mess. Much like quicksand, by the time you've realised that you've fallen into a guys dicksand it's too late. The more you struggle the faster you're going down, sometimes literally



Here are the 10 signs that it's already happening 


1. You have certain songs that remind you of him and you either listen to them on repeat whilst imagining your future wedding or angrily skip them altogether depending on how he's behaving this week

2. Every quote or meme you see reminds you of him, you simply MUST screenshot them and send them to him or you just raise your middle finger at them and mutter "fuck you" under your breath,  depending on how he's behaving this week

3. All compliments are meaningless unless they're from him and then they're a solid gold gift because miraculously he's behaving this week

4. You see a pretty girl on the street and you imagine him talking to her and her touching his hair and you want to get out a kill this evil boyfriend stealing slut and then you start crying because you haven't personally touched his hair for a hellish 16 hours

5. You haven't seen any of your friends in weeks because you're spending all you time with him. You can't eat because you're too worried about when you're next going to see him. You can't sleep because you're thinking about him and when you do you dream about him. He's being an asshole in your dream so now you're inexplicably angry at him 

6. His name is in your Facebook Search History, his Instagram handle is in your search history. You know the name of his cousins best friends dog due to the extreme levels your snooping has driven you to

7. You FREAK OUT when he takes more than 3 minutes to respond to your texts, "What have I done? Oh my god, why did I make that joke?" "Bet he's shagging someone else and that's why he can't reply" - cue sobbing

8. You see things in the supermarket that remind you of him, like his favourite crisps or that beer he likes or pork PIES from all the times he's PIED you off to watch the football with his mates instead 

9. You have regular chats with yourself about how you don't really need him and how you'd be absolutely fine without him and then you hurl yourself across the room when your phone goes off and do a little dance around the room when it's him 

10. You find yourself diligently making notes from the webpage "30 Oral Sex Tips" when your usual sexual repertoire consists of 6 minutes of missionary and a pat on the back


Recognising any of this girls? It's too late for you. don't struggle. You'll only make it worse if you try to fight your inner psychopath 


1.9.17

Things I wish I hadn't said on a first date




I have a terrible case of word vomit and I'm not sure that there is a cure. I don't know if it's too much wine, too much confidence or perhaps my borderline personality disorder but either way I don't know when to shut my big mouth on dates. I always stand in front of the bathroom mirror before I leave the house, giving myself a stern pep-talk on the charm and allure of the mysterious, closed-off woman but then 90 minutes later I'm getting them to recount their most traumatic childhood memory and asking them if they've ever made a sex tape. Or if they'd perhaps consider it. Maybe I need to forget the pep talks and simply embrace my forthright nature, safe in the knowledge that men either like the straightforward approach or they don't. So, here are some things I wish I hadn't said but will most probably still continue to say on first dates because I never take advice, even my own 



I didn't want to come on this date

It's not a lie but also it's not a reflection on them. I never want to go on any dates because going on a  date involves showering, shaving my legs (possibly my armpits if I can be bothered) washing my hair, drying my hair, styling my hair, applying make-up, choosing an outfit that hides my unshaved armpits, locating two earrings that match and then actually leaving the house and being sociable. My usual evening routine includes solitude and gin. The sheer amount of effort involved in going on a date puts me off, however I usually really really enjoy them when I'm there. I need to stop telling men that I didn't want to come and just face facts that a little effort is required on my part if I don't want to die alone


I'm a Feminist

I am in no way ashamed of my political views but I do think that by mentioning those views early on and how important they are to me that men have a tendency to tell me what I want to hear. If someone wants to get into your pants they'll say anything, they could be the most misogynist, male-chauvinistic arsehole but they'll happily nod along and big up Pankhurst while you finish your sorbet and quietly fall in love with them. In future I think I need to hold back on those sort of topics until I can gauge their character subjectively. Definitely before I hop into bed with them and let the resulting chemical reaction in my brain silence my gut feeling that he was just quoting from the wikipedia page  


I have a 10 date rule

Speaking of which. I always tell them I have a 10 date rule for sex. The truth is that I've never made anyone wait until the 10th date. I either really like someone and it happens before that or I really don't like them and they don't make it to a third or fourth date let alone teh 10th. The one thing I don't do is have sex with someone on the first date. Mentally,  I just need a connection with someone before I can sleep with them, casual sex just doesn't work for me. That's not a judgement on people that enjoy casual sex, I just can't enjoy it myself and so I don't do it. I think I say this as a challenge because, lets face it, 10 dates is a lot. You are basically in a relationship at this point, I just want to gauge their response to my (bullshit) statement 


Yes, I'll have a third glass of wine 

The third glass of wine is usually where I start to get very indiscreet, you'd think after all the things I've already said at this point that I couldn't make things any worse. But you'd be wrong, so very wrong. This is where the cloak of the mysterious closed-off woman is not only shed but trampled underfoot as I begin to sabotage my own relationship potential in a series of sweeping generalisations and increasingly over the top statements regarding my own potential. I should really just stick to a couple of glasses on dates but usually I'm having such a great time at this point that I've forgotten what tends to come out of my mouth after that third glass and the word vomit really steps up a gear


I'm not looking for a relationship

Well, it's true. I'm not actively seeking one. However, I do not think that that is necessarily what someone wants to hear on the first date. They don't want to see a big "DEAD END" sign where the route should read "POTENTIAL" and whilst I'm not actively hunting for a boyfriend I am remaining open to the fact that it might happen. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that something casual could build into something more serious over time and actually I think that dropping that little line into conversation at every given opportunity is self-sabotaging and I should really stop. It also probably makes them think that I'm just on the date for sex which I'm not. I'm there for the free food and wine silly!


I don't believe in marriage 

It's not that I don't believe in it on the whole I'm just incredibly sceptical. As someone that was briefly married themselves I know for a fact that a big white dress and a party doesn't fix anything so I think I'm still trying to get my head around how and why and how it works for people. I seem to be dating guys that are 30+ and I don't know whether it's all the singles tables they've had sit at at friends weddings or whether it's just social pressure in general but they seem a lot more keen to settle down and follow the standard life-trajectory of marriage and kids. I think I need to stop saying it because even though I don't believe in it right now that might change one day and with the right person. I'm not cold and dead inside just yet 


I'd love to go on another date

I only wish I hadn't said this on the occasions that I actually really didn't want to pursue another date, if it's gone well then it's A-ok on planet Milly. For some reason men usually ask for a second date with me. I know! It's as much of a mystery to me as it probably is to you, having read all of the frankly horrible things I've said to them by this point. Perhaps it's shock that prompts me to agree, when actually I'd rather not. Perhaps I'm just too much of wimp to decline when they're standing in front of me and we've had a nice evening and I'm basically just a bit pissed from all the wine. I need to start being more firm with people because I know more than anyone how annoying it is to have someone waste your time


Have you ever said anything really bad on a first date? Leave a comment below and let me know so I can feel less embarrassed about my own appalling behaviour 


........


Some other things that I probably should have kept to myself on First dates 


I can't remember your name 

Look at how disgusting this blister is  

You remind me of my dad but in a sexy way 

I have £8.27p in my bank account  

I can get both of my legs behind my head

Look at my food baby

I hate Christmas 

I ironed my skirt with hair straighteners 

These period pains are savage 

I don't have a gag reflex 

My Ex-boyfriend lives next-door



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